Yesterday I did the most whackiest things I've ever did. I went shopping at first because I was bored. Then I reached to the main train station(where they switch trains and everything), I realised I'm still not willing to go back to my boring hostel so I took my bag(I was in my friends house the night before), went into the toilet and bath in there!!! Luckily I brought toilet and extra clothings. I changed into my clubbing clothes, put my bags into the locker and off I go, CLUBBING!!!And of course, alone. I have no idea what's got into me. I wasn't looking for ONS, I guess either I was just out there trying to look for someone to replace Dennis(I know I know, it's a stupid thought. WHO WOULD LOOK FOR A GUY IN A CLUB WHEN THE GUYS IN THE CLUBS ARE ONLY INTENDED TO LOOK FOR SEX NOT LOVE?) or trying to have extreme fun until I forget about Dennis. Anyway, at the end of the night, there's this guy tried to make a move on me and tries to get under my pants. Of course I wouldn't be so stupid. I meet some friends there hence I tried to shake him off. The thing is, when we're dancing, when he put his head next to my shoulder...I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT! I guess L(Dennis friend, remember? Don't? Well off to the first post for you) really freaked me out. Anyway, I went back to the train station(it was 3 something at that moment) and waited until 5.45a.m which is the earliest train to get back to my hostel. I was so busted. I was tired to the maximum. I quickly bath and splat on my bed. What a night...what a night...

I've tried to forget about Dennis but I just couldn't...he's everywhere, anytime, anyhow. I'm just so stupid. If Dennis has my phone number and never calls me back, it means he's not interested with me. So why am I still falling to this stupid thing? I'm ever so numb. It feels like as if I have no soul in me. I've been smoking and drinking too much(not only because of him, there's lots more of stress in my head). Sometimes when I shop, I still thinks that the main aim is not to look presentable or up-to-date but to look nice for him. I'm just plain stupid. I've tried to forget him, I really did but everynight he's in my dream, every single song there's a memory of him. Could I not forget him???

Dear Friends,
I'll only be introducing myself later(for those who don't know me yet). For now, I have a confession to make and hopefully it will help me to forget the incident. Bare with me, this will be long.

I liked a guy(in a short period of time I guessed I'd even loved him), he's name is Dennis. He was a singer in a band and as you can guess it, he's a playboy. Never really got interested into love but only in sex. I have no idea how I got myself into this situation. Anyway last friday(5/3/2004) was his last night to perform here in Malaysia. Then he'll be back to Phillipines for holidays and will be back to Malaysia to perform again. Daring myself to approached him(mind me, I'm 19 turning 20 this year and i've never been with a guy. Heck I've never even hold a guy's hand let alone kiss one) I wore my best outfit and head for the club. At the end of the night, he came to talk to me and asked me to wait because he got a meeting with the bos now. I waited and waited but still no sign of him. I look around and still no him. I decided to forget about him forever and left the club.

Feeling dissapointed and hurt, I drove and cried all night long. I was not ready to go back yet. I drove the road towards another club. There I saw him standing outside of the club(the club's already closed by then) and calling someone. He waved to me when he saw me. I quickly stopped for him. He got into the car and asked me whether I could fetched him home. Of course I agreed. On the way we talked and he keep on flirts with me(help me with this as I have no experience but twirling with my hair and touching my cheek and chin, isn't this all flirting?) When we reached to his hotel(as he's performing for the hotel's club, they got the priviledge to stay in there as well) he came close and almost kissed me. Well let's just say just a peck on the lips. I was happy and shocked at the same moment. Wondering to myself, was he flirting with me? Did he liked me? Or was it just an accident?

The next day(6/3/2004), I decided to meet him again, hopefully that he'll still be in the club. I went alone again this time because all my friends weren't free or was not back in our hometown. Thank god he was there but he was with two girls. A hi-bye friend of mine saw me there and ask me to join them. Dennis said hi to me when I walked past him and telling me he'll join me later. Feeling very excited, I smiled again. I've never been so happy in my life! My friend ask me to accompany her to the ladies room. As Iwent out of the club, I saw Dennis and one of the girls he came with talking secretively in a very serious manner. I ignore them thinking I don't want to disturb their conversation. The girl followed us to the ladies and talked to me. She keep on asking whether I'm closed to the band or not. I told her I wasn't that close but I know them. Then she told me the most shocking thing ever that until now i'm still stuck with the blankness and numbness of it. She said "Oh I'm very closed with the band, Dennis is my boyfriend and he asked me to go to his room later". There, she said it and I heard it with my own ears. A good actress I was I pretend to be happy and congratulate her while my heart broken into pieces. Why did she tell me? Did Dennis asked her to? So many posibilities came out of my head. Feeling heartbroken I went back to the club and ordered lots of boozes. Feeling a little high I dance around as usual. I saw Dennis glancing at me lots of times. I have no idea what he's trying to do to me. What do he want from me? If it's really true that the girl's is his girlfriend, why did he tried to kiss me in the first place? If it's true why did he flirt with me?(well now I realize I already knew at the very first I approach him)

As the night end, another band member named L came forward to me and we chat. L asked me whether I want to go for a drink downstairs at the restaurant. I agreed thinking that Dennis would be there because they usually have gatherings at the restaurant. When we reached downstairs, L lead me to another place. Alast, we reached our destination place, L's room. Thinking that Dennis would be in there I stupidly went in with L only to realize we're the only ones there(I know I know...why am I so dumb to actually follow him to his room right?). Knowing something would be wrong I hold onto my bag tightly so that if I tried to escape, I won't turn back knowing I left something in the room. L asked me to sit on the bed(as there was no chair around) and make myself comfortable. Feeling a little high I sat down. He turned on the tv(wrestling) and sat on the bed with me.

He then puts his arms around my shoulder. I don't mind people hugging me as I'm used to it especially the band members. He took out his boots and ask me to do the same. I turned to him and ask why. At that very moment he smiled and pulled me down to the bed and start kissing me. I was shocked at the moment. What have I just got myself into? When I finally realise what is happening, I cried stop and claims that I can't do this. He stood up and walked away. I sat up and when I was ready to leave, suddenly I heard the door being lached up and the lights being turned off. Freaking out this time, I tried to get up and leave the room. But he was fast and he pushed me down on the bed even more rough than before(he was thirty plus with rocker style(long hair) and he's much shorter and smaller than me, those who know me knows how huge I am). I tried to push him away but he kept coming closer and kiss me roughly. The weird thing is that after L have been kissing me for a while, the room phone rang and L listen to it intentively as if he's listening to someone's instruction but then put the phone down and continue what he started(another thing, I never knew whether he really put down the phone or not because it was dark). Feeling very irritated and uncontrol right now I told him I don't like him but his friend. He stopped a while but continue "humping" me with his clothes on and asking me who is it. I told him and hopefully he would stop but he didn't. Thank god handphone was created. My friend message me. I guess that freaked him out and got him back to his senses. I leave immediately and drove to another club to have boozes to forget about the incident(I have no idea whats got into me but thank god again that nothing happen after that), to know whether I'm feeling sad and hurt because of Dennis or scared and shocked because of L.

I still am so confused right now. I kinda freak out when I saw guys with long dark curly hair and dark complexion. Not that I didn't wanna kick him on the balls or slap him hard on the face, it's just that from the stories I read, if a guy/girl tried to rape you, you just can't use force to overcome them. It wouldn't work.To all rape survivors out there, although I wasn't rape but I do understand you. Be strong and if I can survive, so can you.

P.s:story has been cut short.