It's been a while since I've blogged. Guess I'm not a hardworking blogger after all, hehe. So anyway I was eating my usual supper spot wantan mee, slurping away happily yet desperately in order to satisfy my urged to stuff myself to death in terms of depression then suddenly, I felt like vomiting it all out. Yup, I've cured my stressful depressed mood only to find out I've gain so much weight in these three days, having 5 meals per day, all eating twice as much as I usually do, in order to make myself happy. Yesterday, I even ate 4 sticks of ice cream at once. I freaked myself out if you are not surprised by my ways of releasing stress recently. Plus I'm back to my smoking habit of puffing away one box in two days. All because of one word. AUDITION.
Yup, as most of you know, I had participate in Malaysian Idol last year, and despite after many sessions of complains and anger I had last year, I still join it this year hoping I get lucky. But then again, I've failed to even pass the first stage. I've improved though. I woke up at 4.35 with the help of my dearie roomate to get ready for the big day. After an hour or so, we rushed out to drive down to Times Square, hoping we will be the first group to arrive, then I don't have to scare myself to death with my high imagination brains while thinking what would happen to me if I fail or succeeded. When we reach to the 6th floor, we saw three people walking towards the entrance, they were a step ahead of me. Well at least I'll be in the first group.
I got to know two new guys and a girl. All were anticipated to win this round and mind you, all with very good voice. They were here for fun but I, with high hopes, being at least the top 10 in the list. Not long after, another guy came, looking like a 28 year old uncle only to shocked me that he's same age as me. He was talking so slow and arrogantly, apparently claim himself to sound like Josh Gorban and with his 'kiasu lang' attitude that makes me feel like punching him. He was studying in Singapore for quite some time though no one bothered to ask him where is he from. Then a cute camera man came and smiled to all of us and by the time he reach to the front, we were staring at each other for so long that I realized he slowed his stroll. We smiled at each other politely while he walk to the front corner, setting up the camera. Secretly glancing at him while practicing my singing, I notice he had the 'guy next door' look and is pretty tall for a Malaysian guy. I shook myself awake, forcing myself to take this audition seriously as I really want to fulfill my dreams. Though, few glances wouldn't hurt, would it?
The clock strikes 10 and we were directed to go into the hall. I, as usual, got cut in by other people, making me the third group to go for the audition. My roomate, Karen and Arthur(my new god brother) came in to support me. I secretly wished I had choose my song earlier and practiced it instead of practicing few songs together only to finalized my choices earlier in the morning. When I was practicing, I feel like there's someone keep on staring at me. I glanced around the room and noticed that the whole 8tv crew at the front were staring at me while commenting on me. I was wondering why when I noticed the cute guy that I saw earlier was there smiling at me. I smiled back, blushed a little and continue practicing. "No time to flirt around, I really gotta win this" talking to myself as numbers are being called to the front.
When it was my turn, I was quite confident frankly speaking. I kind of know the drills of what to do and where we're auditioning as it should be the same as last year. Then, we were waiting anticipationally outside the audition room. While practicing and doing some bonding with the participants around me, the cute guy came up with the camera and start taking videos of our group. Unable to control, I kinda give him a sexy look while waving at the camera. He look up, gave me a sexy smile and continue shoting other participants. I wonder what it means. He stood at the very far corner, and I caught him glancing at me a few times already. It warms me up until my name is being called. It was finally my turn when I walked into the room, full of confident.
As I stand at the spot, I introduce myself and what song I will be singing and start singing. It turns out quite good, loud enough to hear, swaying to the song while I sang "Quizzical" and although shaky, but was quite confident with my voice. After the second verse, which surprises me because the first three contestant were only in the room for like 15 to 20 seconds. Then the producer stopped me and ask me to sing another song, only the chorus part. I went dumbfolded. I didn't expect them to ask for a second song. Even though I did practice few songs, but I suddenly went into blur mode. My brains went blank and I couldn't think a thing. It was after 30 seconds that I finally decided to sing "One Of Us" by Joan Osbourne as that is the only song that appeared in my head. Then I started to screw it up. First, by mixing up the lyrics then secondly by shaking so badly my voice sounds like I'm singing from a moving truck. It's over. I knew it by then.
After everyone from my group finished their audition, we were brought to the 'result room' where they will tell us who got it and who don't. I was sweating out of anticipation and shaking so badly. We sat in the room as the crew tried to make us feel comfortable by talking to us, making a few jokes and then the moment came. We were asked to stand up while he announces the result. He told us that only one participant got in. My number was 11513. He announces 115 very slowly and I thought hey, I might have a chance only to found out he announces 11534. I look at my number again just to confirm what I've heard as I sat down abruptly trying to stabilized myself knowing I've failed again. I amost cried as I walk out, tears flowing around my eyes while I look for my roomate and others. The thought of failing the audition makes me even more depressed than ever. My roomate asked me not to cry as I listened to her, too tired and sad to decide anything. After a while, a terrible headache follows up while I suffered from gastric. Until today, I couldn't cry. I really wished I could. I even watched some drama's hoping to help me cry. But it didn't worked. I loathe my body, I loathe my guts, I loathe me...