I apologize for not writing for such a long time, I apologize for not calling everyone. I, as usual have been feeling very very very sobber nowadays. Let me break it down for you guyz:
Scene 1:
June, one of my best friend is moving to Aussie to study. I realise I'm the only left here in NIC(Nilai International College). Thinking I should do alright but I realise I really really will miss June a lot, not to mention we did EVERYTHING together when she's still here...
Scene 2:
Christmas was a very special holiday for me throughout the year. I love Christmas and I really want to spend it with someone special(e.g: friends).I remember our promise(ded's promise) to spend the Christmas Eve of 2004 in Malaysia, together. But then, Prabs couldn't come back, Bird and June has a party of their own in KL which...that time I taught that I wasn't invited to(yaya I know, I'm talking about my version now, not the truth). Sober as I was, I hang out with Michelle, my sort of best friend. It was okay. But would be better if I hang out with my real best friends.
Scene 3:
New Year, Michelle asked me to hang out in Kuantan for a New Year party together with friends. Thinking I wasn't invited in Kuala Lumpur, I promised her. Then turn out, she cancel it last minute(around 10 something at night when I was all ready with make up, hair done and had my nails done too) because she was too involved with her boyfriend she'd prefer to hang out with him. Sober I was, wanting to drink alone in the house but instead I went to buy food. Lots of it and eat myself to death(sorta a way to express my anger). I bought a prosperity burger which I'm not allowed to eat at home(no beef, religious probs), two pieces of horrifying tasting chicken(both of McDs), then Nasi Goreng Ayam Goreng Kunyit which I finished by myself and by the end of the day, I felt like I could burst anytime soon. Crying to myself thinking I was alone with no true friends. Then it strucks me my high school horror happens around end of the year, which may be the reason I'm acting all paranoid and stuff.
Well, that's all I remember that really hurts me last year. But then, I'm okay now. Guess I was jealous and afraid of what past might hunt me again this year. Hence, I acted that way. I act all deserted, hurt and isolated, feeling betrayed, alone, not trusting and low all the time. I apologize for acting such a huge bitch(yeah I am a bitch but this time I went over the line and hurt my true friends) and isolate myself from the deds.
I really wanted to be there for Prabs when she...ahem, better not said here. I really wanted to be there for Bird when all sorts of family probs occured and comfort her, I really wanted to be on time and be there for June when she needs me. I hate myself for being such a loser when it comes to friendship. But the thing is you guyz, I was hurt before and it was really hard to really really trust myself with anyone else. I did trust the ded's a lot but when it comes to year end of 2004, I chickened out and isolate myself again. Sorry sorry sorry, a thousand apologize. I promise I'll try my best not to do that again for I know I've done wrong. I really want to trust you guyz and I still do. Do forgive me you guyz when I act weird again but I'm fighting against myself in my heart. I love you guyz and I will miss the times we are together. Promise me we will be together again, at least once, to remind ourselves who are our best friends. Promise me we will be there for whoever ded's that needs us. Promise me we will be friends forever and forever friends we shall be...promise me...
